Just open your eyes, will you swear on your life...

aw shiiiiit

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:49:35 GMT

this weekend was amazing. more than i couldve hoped for.

friday was just another day... classes in the morning and Kim left for work around noon. I just hung out by myself and got some work done. it wasnt exciting, but definitely necessary. Tim came over for a bit and we ordered food and watched a movie called Orgazmo. some stupid movie about a jehovahs witness who gets involved with the porn industry. some parts were funny but overall it was just plain stupid. guarenteed to never watch it again. lol. He left and I waited for Kim to come back to school. she did around 11 and i went to her room and we went to sleep. we were both exhausted.

saturday was the best day of the semester so far. there was 6 of us: me, kim, tim, emily, brian and shannon. we got up at 8 and went to the city for the day. i LOVE the city.

started out kind crappy cuz kim and i got stuck in the elevator. it was hilarious in the end but while it was happening i was kinda annoyed. lol. there are pictures on facebook if you'd like to see.

once we got to the city we went right to canal street because the whole purpose of going to the city was to find emily a coach purse. that was slightly sketchy but fun nonetheless.

*class ended so i'll finish later*

sorry for the delay, i was busy.

after the girls got their bags we went back to times square and walked around. ate at planet hollywood, which was absolutely delicious, walked more, got soaked cuz it started downpouring, and then came home.

i ended up going to kims house that night cuz she wanted me to. and im glad she invited me because i really needed to get away from school and just chill.

watched football with her dad and sister, ate amazing food, and fell asleep at a decent hour for once in a long while, and woke up with a headache like always. lol.

today begins a new week and a new perspective on my school work. i know that i was focused before, but i'm definitely going to take a new approach and make sure that things get done. done on time and done right. i cant afford to fail anything. or even get below a B in anything. thats my goal, all B's.

i'm out of marching band for the semester because of my surgery. its kind of dissapointing because i dont want it to ruin my chances at getting a position for next year. if i dont get marching tech i dont think i'm going to do it because playing my sax really hasnt taken a strong hold like i thought it was going to do. oh well.

i need to stop by barnes and noble sometime this week because i keep telling myself that i want a journal to write in. i just havent actually gotten the motivation to do it. it would be the same stuff that i write in here. but i am going to always have it with me and it will be easier to write my thoughts and keep stuff that i would want to read, and maybe not read, in the future. =]

i think thats it for now, who knows. i might be on later tonight to finish thoughts.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:02:28 GMT

i need to stop.
i know that i do it and i feel that i have perfect reason to do it.
i just need to stop. it shouldnt be too hard, right?
maybe then i'll understand more and not be as confused.

.... am i too public with my thoughts?
i think i talk too much about us.
idk if i talk too much, or if i'm looking for something in return.
hopefully i'll figure it out.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:26:34 GMT

to get back on top of this whole weekly post thing... gimme a sec to go back and see where i left off.

... ahh yes, band camp week. ha, what a joke and a half.
even if you arent involved in anything that has to do with the music dept you know that it equals drama.
another year, another 10,000 problems to deal with.

besides that the music and drill came out looking sweet. much better than the end of band camp last year.
i think it was mainly due to the fact that we had a game that first weekend so we were pressed for time and patience so things needed to get done asap.

my birthday came and went, just another day. no biggie.

classes started last week. they're amazing. like i dont think theres one class that im not going to want to go to.

this weekend i took my roommate to my house for a day cuz he didnt want to stay on campus.
hes an exchange student from england. we get along really well.
he's calling my his non-blood brother cuz he thinks we are exactly alike. its pretty chill.

i have 3 stitches in my chest. theyre annoying.
i had a cyst removed yesterday. fairly simple procedure. i wish i knew it was going to happen when i walked into the doctors office. lol.

nothing special takes place this week.
first PDT meeting and thats about it.

i think i'm bringing rob (my roomie) to see my boat next weekend. that should be a good time. i hope.

i love her, a lot.
and even though she doesnt express her feelings as publicly as i do i know she feels the same way.
xoxoxoxo.

till next time, adios.

uhhhhh

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:38:26 GMT

sorry i missed my normal post.
i was on the boat with my parents all weekend and therefore didnt have my computer.

nothing much to report.
i'll def give you an update next week some point after classes get started.

iloveher. woot.

weekly post

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 03:26:41 GMT

so before its no longer sunday i figured id let all of you know how things have been.

nothing happened last week, just as i had predicted.

move in on thursday was amazing. went really smooth which is always a plus.
went out to dinner with my lovely bride to be.
it was delicious, as red robin always is. =]
unfortunately she had to go home because she forgot a lot of stuff and she had to work anyways.

friday was very bleak. nothing exciting at all.
i went job hunting like i wanted to, turned out kinda lame.
i ended up filling only 1 application out because everything is done online nowadays.
i hate that.
oh well, so i went home afterwards and filled out a lot more.

saturday should be erased from existence. waste of life. =/

today i just came back here and chilled with people. it was good to just relax with friends.

tomorrow is the start of band camp.
soooo not looking forward to it. i'm upset that i cant memorize my music.
i enjoy the fact that kim is section leader. i'm excited for her.
she keeps putting herself down and thinks that she's not going to be a good leader but she'll be amazing.

so band camp this week.
birthday is on tuesday. woot.
first football game on saturday.
classes start next week. ughh.

thats it for now. ciao.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 16:26:32 GMT

so this past week and this week was/will be amazing.

kim got her wisdom teeth out. chipmunk galore.. but she made it look cute. =]
i went on tuesday to spend time with her and make her happy. it worked.

wednesday and thursday were blah. just got things ready for school and helped my mom with stuff.

friday i went back to kims, even though i felt like absolute crap.
we went to all pets club and played with the puppies, then got some fresh fruit from bishops orchard and made a yummy fruit salad.
she had her doctors appt just to check and make sure that her teeth were healing properly, which they are.
friday night we hung out with her friends. got ice cream and just talked about random stuff. i really like all of them.

yesterday was one of the highlights of my summer.
MAYHEM FESTIVAL. woot.
it was insane.
disturbed and slipknot were god-like.

today i'm just lounging around the house and finalizing things for school and waiting for mom to come home from the boat.

tomorrow tuesday and wednesday are all blah boring days because i have nothing planned.
i'll probably hang out with dan cuz thats all i did this summer while i was home. no biggie.

thursday i go back to school. its about freakin time.
i mean, i dont want to wish away my free time, but i'm kinda glad this summer is over.
if i had a job then it wouldve been different. but i was bored for the majority of the time.

well i guess thats it for my weekly update. i'll let you know how move-in went and if anything exciting ends up happening this week.

one love my people.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:52:53 GMT

this week looks to be very promising.

kim is getting her wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow so later in the afternoon i'm going to her house to keep her company. she wants to go blueberry picking so maybe if shes in not too much pain we will go do that. that should be fun, but the chances that she'll just sleep for the majority of the day are really high. =]

nothing else really going on until friday when i go back to her house to hang out because on saturday we are going to mayhem fest. woot woot. yeah. its THAT exciting. so i'm staying at her house all weekend just chillen. should be a fantastical time. =]

i really want an apartment. like really. mom said that shes been talking to dad about me finally getting out of the house and living on my own. its amazing to listen to my dad talk about how he doesnt want me to get a job because i should be focussing on school, but that the main reason he doesnt want me to get an apartment is because he isnt ready for me to be out on my own yet. but then again he wants me to prove that i'm able to take care of myself and handle my own money and its just like wtf?! so i cant get a job so i cant have my own money so i cant prove that i can take care of everything myself. buuuut.... like seriously dude, cmon... get your thoughts straight. kthanks.

thats it for now. adios amigos.

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:04:19 GMT

so its been about a week since ive updated my life.
its been a wonderful few days except for the fact that i might need surgery.
i apparently have 2 cysts on my body.
i was given these pills that are huge and if they dont fix the problem within 2 weeks then i need surgery to fix them.
i'm totally not looking forward to that so i'm hoping these things work.

school is in a few weeks.
i'm really pumped for that.
like really REALLY excited for that. =]

umm... i love her like whoa more than anything.
and she knows it.

the end.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:33:31 GMT

i dont know why i decided to write in this.
i really have nothing interesting to say, i just felt the need to post something.
oh well. i'm lame.

i might as well think of something to talk about so its not a waste of an entry.

.... mayhem is in 17 days. woot.
.... my birthday is in 27 days. woot.

yeah, thats all i got. wow i'm pathetic.

woot woot

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:21:15 GMT

finally got a job.
i start my training tomorrow at some convention in new haven.
kinda nervous because ive been getting nothing but crap about it from my dad.
oh well, its a job so im going to make the best of it while it lasts.

going to kims for the weekend.
madd pumped for that because i cant remember the last time i spent the entire weekend at her house.
bringing rock band so that will keep us occupied and nobody will be bored. =]

ummm...
idk what else to mention.

my parents are coming home this weekend.
its going to suck not having the house to myself anymore.

okay thats it for now. adios.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:11:57 GMT

i feel bad.
i opened my head again and thoughts came pouring out in dramatic fashion.

... i'm sorry.

she comes in 9 hours.
i'm excited.

i know that shes always thinking about me
... so why doesnt she vocalize her thoughts more?
its not an issue, really its not.
it would just be nice to know what she thinks about me/us more often.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:35:02 GMT

... i hate the fact that i wrote a long paragraph that took 20 minutes and deleted it.

sooooo

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:15:28 GMT

i just saw the dark knight.
freakin amazing.
i am definitely going to see it again. idk when but i will.

its 4:10am so im going to make this short so i can get some sort of sleep and be normal tomorrow.
haha. normal. whats normal anyways?
but besides that, i really miss my bed. =]

its lonely without her. but i know that in the end its for the best.
when school comes around again we'll be with eachother everyday so these weeks that we're apart (even though its like 5-6 days at a time) will do us good so we dont kill eachother.
at least not until the 10 year mark. lol.

but yeah, i really miss her. and she knows it.
and i really love her. and she knows that too.

mmmmmmmMUAHHHH.

its not fair

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:02:43 GMT

that she had to leave so soon.
i miss her.

i feel lame. but its called love.
the end.

i will see her again next weekend guaranteed.
woot.

i'm not but i am

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 01:55:50 GMT

a little upset about what has happened tonight.
i hate that everytime i decide to use this its only to complain. but then again i dont think i'm complaining. i'm merely stating the fact that i'm upset and i hate this feeling.

and thats about it. theres nothing more to say.
nobody needs to know what happened. its between me and my mind.

i cant wait to see her on sunday. its going to be a fun few days.
i really miss her. and i know she misses me too.

i love her. a lot.

haha.. wow.

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 17:19:21 GMT

i feel even more like an ass now for everything that happened yesterday. and i dont like this feeling. the feeling of having a knot in my stomach the feeling of whats to come. but first of all, about yesterday.

i got all bummed out because she didnt call me.. or even let me know that she was on break. i knew that a friend had come to visit her. and i was excited for her to get to spend time with him. it still wouldve been nice to know that she was on break. or even get a small phone call. but i'm done complaining about this. i feel horrible. she told me that she fell asleep for the rest of her break after her friend had left. shes really sick. i dont blame her for doing what she did. idk. i hate my random moments of being obnoxious about something stupid. every time i open my mouth i feel as though i hurt her in some way. =/

as for the knot in my stomach... ughh... shes really not feeling well and she called out of work. ive been up since 9 and ive been letting her sleep. not like i wouldnt let her sleep anyways. but i waited as long as possible to text her and potentially wake her up. so at like 1130 i texted her and said good morning. about an hour later she said she was still in bed (which i expected her to be).... no good morning no i love you no nothing that she usually says... and then a few minutes later she send me a message saying that she wants to talk later. ... and thats when it happens. my body just collapsed. my heart dropped. my stomach literally i think turned itself inside out. it was awful. and i asked her what it was about... and that about about an hour ago.. and still no response.

....... this sucks.

and whats even worse is that i have noooo idea whether im just over thinking it, or if i'm in trouble, or if ... just or if... i have no clue what to think.

hopefully things will work out

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 21:56:57 GMT

because for the first time since school ended i went back out to look for a job. this time i had higher confidence levels because i was able to put down that i have more availability (the main reason i didnt get a job the last time i looked). i went back to all the ones i knew i wanted to apply to, a few restaurants mostly. and then quickly stopped by some smaller places that wouldnt pay as well but were still looking for some help.

at the end of it all, i have 2 interviews this coming week, and they are both at my top choices, so hopefully i will get a job and start making money by next weekend. woot.

in other news, i had an amazing week at kimmys house for her birthday and spending time with her family for the 4th. we got our tattoos (which look better than i thought), we ate tons of food (which is normal for us), and to end on a good note we got drunk at a friends house. no problems between us all week. things are really starting to take shape and get back to how they used to be. of course i still have my moments, who doesnt? but they arent as bad as they have been known to be in the recent past....

like right now, i'm seriously bummed out because she didnt call me today on her break like she usually does. sure she had a friend come in and surprise her and they hung out and caught up on things. i was happy for her, really i was, she needs things like that to help her get through the day. thats not my issue. i'm upset that she couldnt even take the few seconds to call me and let me know she was on break and that she was gonna hang out with her friend. or maybe take a few minutes to call and talk to me. but to completely just pretty much ignore me the whole time she was on break kinda gets to me.

to me its kinda like the other morning when she all of a sudden got up and was leaving the house without letting everyone else what the plans were. its like she has her mind set on whats going on and doesnt like to fill in everyone else around her, especially when they are involved, whats going on. i get the feeling that i'm left out of a lot of things, even if i'm sitting right next to her, and its hard to know whats going on. and then i get that look from her like "well you should just know" but i dont, ever.

idk if i'm being completely rediculous, or over reacting, or... idk. =[

its just the small things. i dont ask for much. i dont even want or need that much. its just the small things that make me the happiest, and even those seem like too much to ask for sometimes.

yeah, sometimes

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:26:00 GMT

I try to be the man I am in times of shattered dreams, and i plan on standing up to fight the pressures and demands. So hopefully when I wake up you'll be here and it will be the way it was.

And i see myself in heaven, if only i can free myself from this hell.

*sigh*

woot. i'm excited

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:52:32 GMT

because i have my last day of summer classes tomorrow and all i have to do is take my math final and i'm done.

that means i can finally relax and just enjoy my summer with friends and family. starting out with going to the boat this weekend with the rents for dads birthday. it should be uneventful as these kinda of trips usually are, but i'll be out on the water so thats a plus.

we come back sunday night, and i have to rush and do laundry and get things ready for the week because on monday morning i have to go pick up the dog from the kennel and as soon as i drop her off at home i'm going to kims house for a few days for her birthday. woot woot. we're getting tattoos!!! aw man, i cant wait.

she drew mine and its going to look spectacular when its done. i'm still debating where i want it but most likely i'll just get it on my arm. we'll see what the artist thinks about where i should get it. and dont worry, i'll be sure to take pictures throughout the process and post them on facebook, or somewhere on the internet and i'll be sure to let you know where. *thumbs up*

thats all i have for now which is surprising.

no complaining, no ranting about something that has happened. and i'm really happy about that. get used to it because even though i know my mind gets me in trouble a lot, i dont plan on wasting any more time over thinking something that i already know the answer to. so we'll see. =]

oh and yeah... i love her. a lot. the end.

i dont know what to do

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:42:21 GMT

because of course she finds it annoying. she tends to find everything i do annoying. ugh.

i hate that it was the first time today that we could actually talk and her mom has to say something about it. i hate not talking to her. but even she gets annoyed with it sometimes.. which is i guess understandable, kind of.. but when more than an hour goes by with nothing i for some reason get this nauseous feeling in my stomach.

i hate it.

hmmm. this weekend was... eventful, to say the least. i guess normal would also be a good word, even though that is definitely what i dont want it to be anymore. its like a routine or a bad habit and its starting to stress me out more and more each time. sooo, it wont happen no more. kgood.

other than that i gots nuffin else to rant about.

i'm getting my tattoo next tuesday. gonna be ballin. next week in general will be amazing because its kimmys birthday. monday is dinner and a movie, tuesday is tattoos and chillen with friends. i'm pumped. more than i thought i would be. =]

i just got back from the gym. i havent been this tired or sweaty in over a year, the last time i worked out for lacrosse. but its an amazing feeling. i cant wait till i'm back in shape. the only bad thing is that there isnt a gym near my house so i'll just have to improvise until i come back up here for school. cuz then i'll be at the gym just about every day. woot.

time to go eat something... i'm thinkin ravioli and some fruit. sound good? i think so. deal.

some lines from a song

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 02:57:10 GMT

that i feel sum up my relationship perfectly are from the song "Calling You" by Blue October.

theres something that i cant quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away

well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound

do i try too hard to make you smile

well i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

she drives me insane. every waking hour, and even some nights when we should be sleeping.
but i love her through and through. without a doubt. with everything i have.

forever.

nobody will ever know

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 03:59:37 GMT

why i do the things i do.
why i say the things i say.
why i think the things i think.
... i wish i knew.

One thing i do know is that i'm tired of blaming myself. i'm tired of making myself feel miserable for something that i cant change. i'm just beyond annoyed with how i've handled things and i'm done with trying to change who i am.

I've created my story... as crappy as it may be to someone who is listening. but i dont care. its mine and i'm happy with how it has turned out. i mean honestly, whos story doesnt have a few bumps in the road? granted my story has pot holes the size of the universe... but in the end its still my story.

And this is how it goes:

I asked her out through a text message. mistake number 1.
I asked her to marry me in the middle of a fight... laying on her bed. big mistake number 2.
I gave her the ring a few weeks later. mistake number 3.
I gave her the ring while fighting... laying on my bed. big mistake number 4.
I complain about the smallest, stupidest things. mistake number 5.
I am clingy and annoying when it comes to texting and calling her. mistake number 6.
I sometimes feel so in love that its borderline obsessive. big mistake number 7.

Thats the story that i've created for myself. the story that ive involved her in. the story that shes for some reason or another agreed to be apart of.

That will be the exact story that i tell my friends, my family, my co-workers, my children, my grandchildren, my neighbors... hell, i'm willing to get on national television and say it.

I'm done being ashamed of my mistakes. I'm done looking at the past and trying to change it. I'm done being bummed out every time i see how another couple got married.

I'm proud of my life. i've accomplished a lot. i have a great support system. most importantly a woman who loves me for me and wont leave my side through the worst of times.

...If only she could be this excited about her own story.

I know it bothers her. i know she wishes things could be different. I know she had her romantic dreams of what her prince should do when he proposes. I'm sorry i'm not the exact prince from your dreams. but at the same time i'm not sorry.

We are who we are. we've done what we've done. we're happy dammit. no matter what.

If only she could find it in her heart to forgive me for the pain that will forever emotionally be there... and spread the news with joy and not embarrassment. to be able to tell her friends what has happened with confidence.

We have lasted this long and gotten through a lot together.
There is nothing that can stop us... nothing.

iloveyoumama. thank you.

sometimes i wonder

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:50:10 GMT

why i get my stomach in knots when she goes out.
i hate this feeling... especially when i know that she could be drinking.

i'm not trying to be protective, but i want to be.
i'm not trying to be nosey, but i want to be.
i'm not thinking about driving to guilford... but i am.

and i text her and she doesnt respond... that bugs me a little bit sometimes.
i know she gets busy and cant answer right away but at times like this when all i want is for her to let me know shes okay.
thats all i get worried about.. that she is okay and not doing anything that she might end up regretting.

it has nothing to do with jealousy. theres no need for that emotion. it all has to do with nervousness.

okay i'm done ranting. theres no point because in the end i know shes fine.
... shes smart.
..... shes in love and wouldnt do anything to disappoint or hurt me.

*sigh*

i hate mornings

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 11:42:04 GMT

that are like this because its rainy and gross and its 7:22. who in their right mind would want to be up this early?! oh well. i had to be up at 6 to drive back to school to get things ready and then go to class at 8. laaame.

summer school is okay. not as much work as i thought, which means i have a lot of free time. especially since work isnt picking up any time soon. i need to start making money, and like asap. ive talked to so many businesses, so many friends who are willing to help.... i just dont have the time they are looking for. so im screwed. wonderful. hopefully somewhere around here is hiring for extremely part time people so i can at least have some sort of steady income for the fall and not rely on the bank of dad anymore. i hate that.

i spent the weekend at the wifes house. it was pretty chill. took coco with me to see how she would like having a friend. that was not as bad as i thought. so it will definitely happen again.

i miss her already and its only been like 20 hours. and when i say miss her, i mean missssssssssss her. and possibly more than that. she makes me happy. so i make her happy. cuz when shes happy then im happy. =]

i dont get it sometimes though. her whole family gets on my case for being too nice. is it wrong to want to do things just out of the blue? like i dont even give things i do a second thought, its not to be extra nice, its not to make an impression, its just who i am. like saturday night i was planning on taking kim out to dinner, have some amazing indian food and just talk about life. forget all about school and work. that didnt happen because it was, in the end, more important to get math done, so we got take out. now me, not even caring the slightest, offered to just get food for the rest of the family. and the commotion starts. its like, im willing to buy you dinner just because i can, and i get grief. i know its expensive, i know i dont have a job, i know that its wasting gas to drive there and get it and come back. and i offered to do all this without blinking. things like that dont phase me. should i stop? should i be more conservative with what i do? idk, i know im gonna keep doing what i do, so im done thinking about it and they can deal... or as i told poppa scroggins multiple times, "suck it up."

speaking of school work, she hates math. why she would ever decide to take an online course of it from all the subjects there are will never fully register with me, but she chose it so we'll see what happens. i think she'll get better with time. the first week hasnt been very nice to her so hopefully it will get easier or she'll get in some sort of rhythm and make it click. she knows im always willing to help. so i'll be expecting a phone call.

soooooo... im going to go read my friends recent posts to see if theres anything good, probably be a facebook whore for a hot sec, and then go print out my essay that was due for today and head to class. adios y'all.

and the days are looking brighter

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:11:10 GMT

i dont just mean that every time i walk out the door i feel like i'm going to be burnt like never before. the sun definitely has been beastly, but the mood that i've been in since monday has been incredible.

i dont think i've been in this great of a situation since the last day of finals a few weeks ago. its just a relief to know that i have support everywhere i turn and the fact that i get shown more love than sometimes i think i can handle from the woman is amazing. thats right, she treats me better than i think i should ever be treated and it will never cease to boggle my mind.

i know i know... you read my last few posts and it overall looks like i'm going to commit myself to an institution or even commit sui - yeah that. but now its opposite and i'm glad it is.

we've talked and talked and hugged and talked some more about everything that we could possible mention. even things that we've been talking about since day 1 were brought up and it made it better. we are going to be just fine. this all of course has to do with what my mind is like. but with the dedication that she has to be with me and to never leave me and to treat me like a normal human all because i think differently about some things, there is nothing that can stop us.

so you're waiting for me to go against what i said and make a few promises and say a few lines that include the words always or never or something that is permanent and hurts even more if it doesnt happen just right. well thats not what im here to do. all im doing is saying that i'm lucky.

very lucky indeed. and thankful. and passionate. and in love.

thats all i need to worry about. that we are in love. that we want to be together. not that we think we need to be together, but that there is a very strong mutual agreement that marriage is in our future.

that is all for now. but not really. there is so much in my head but i'm too mentally hyper and excited for us that i dont know what to say anymore.